First, I agree with every single word. My husband listens to me talk about my longing for community all the time. ("I hate church but I miss church. Do you know?" He does not.) I wrote my college admissions essay on the Upper West Side of NYC as a small town; it was my own childhood Scarry village, one in which I felt so embedded and so cared for.
Second, you just made me realize that I have *never* seen a neighbor or friend in a #tradwife post. Never. Not one. Just children, the occasional husband, the even-less-frequent mom or sister. That subculture provokes so many reasons for discomfort, but it's the loneliness of each posted performance that really gets to me. (Caveat: Maybe they're not alone. Maybe there's a film crew. What do I know?)
The tradwife mothering content also pushes back on creating a "village" for your kids. Any post about daycare will have comments from the tradwives saying that they don't trust anyone with their kids, that kids need their moms, etc. It's absolutely a forced loneliness and refusal to acknowledge that parenting is HARD and that a community could help make it easier.
I feel this. When I was involved in a church community (small town Texas) I had an instant peer group. Baby showers, meals when someone was sick, playgroups, and somewhere to be with friends of all ages every Sunday, Wednesday, and lots of events in between. Leaving that was hard, especially because I still live here. While I feel an amazing sense of freedom and have a wonderful best friend, I miss that sense of harmony with my community (and my family).
Shannan Martin addreses this really beautifully in her books The Ministry of Ordinary Places and Start wth Hello.
As a person raised Mormon, my people are really great at being a community and taking care of obvious needs, especially for moms with young kids. There are committees that organize meals and rides and babysitting and funerals. Not necessarily great at the quiet need, and very often completely oblivious to the needs in the neighborhoods and wider world around.
Since leaving the church behind with a move it has been hard to build community, but I do think that reaching out to ask for a small favor is often the key. No one has ever turned me down.
This is all true for me. I'm still struggling to find community in Austin and somehow I've been here 16 years. I've gotten a few footholds only to see them crumble and fray, and for the most part there is a very superficial layer to social life here. I think I've given up. I'm not a hopeless type, rather a realist. And the reality has been a huge letdown. I'd love a rich social network of shared ideals and togetherness, but when I look at how long I've lived here, it doesn't seem available somehow. I don't know if this rings true for others, but I often find that people seem to not want to expand their social circles here. I'm glad at least that I'm not the only one who has struggled through this, a time that interestingly, people promised would be so much better than teen or young adult years for friendships.
Austinite here! I think community in Austin was easier when I was younger and fresh out of college. I had a bunch of friends here that I could rely on. But a lot of them slowly disbursed to the suburbs or to jobs in new cities. It's rebuilding a community now that I'm a parent that has proven slightly more difficult, but not impossible! My neighbor is a Democratic organizer who has connected me to some nice folks, and my son's school has some cool parents. We've had to make an effort, but it's starting to pay off.
Becoming a parent made it much harder for sure, though I still felt the connections were pretty superficial and unreliable before that. I didn't move here until a few years out of college. There was a clique ish vibe for a while that turned more into isolation once we became parents. It's kind of an exhausting place, but I'll just have to ride it out.
I just want to affirm that this also rings true for me, as someone who moved to Austin and then moved back home again: I really struggled to build community there.
This is so spot on. Not a Christian, but I cannot tell you how many times I’ve thought about dropping in at a church just so I can tap into some childcare and playgroups for my infant. It’s lonely out here!
America’s hyper obsessiveness about independence and not needing anyone stands firmly in the way. It’s definitely not manly to say you need help! Yet everyone says in church communities it is normal to help each other out. (Do only women ask for and receive help from church friends?) I believe it is women (especially moms) who are yearning for community since we are the ones doing the vast majority of work. If you have kid(s) and a job and do parenting and household work til 9pm every single day, you are going through an 18-year phase of life that desperately needs support. The classic clueless husband doesn’t see the need (and there a lot of them).
I don’t really like people 😬 but I do enjoy knowing my neighbors and am usually chatty and friendly enough, with the help of my dog, to at least know my neighbors and get/give help. In our current neighborhood, our next door neighbors and close friends are trump fans. The first time I saw her paraphernalia (wine glass that said “I’m a trump girl get over it” she’s mid-60s so not a girl) my heart sank. But it’s been a reminder that at the core of things we agree on a lot of stuff in our tourist town and about people and animals, etc. They always help me and feed me and helped me with my dog.
I always yearn for the cozy mystery small town community but maybe this post made me realize I have a little bit of that I didn’t realize.
Well, I'll be the contrarian who states that churches are not always filled with people who are eager and willing to help each other. My husband and I were members of two churches in small towns and surrounded by 50-80+ year olds who were more concerned with their own needs. Not one of them ever visited us when I went through two different bouts of cancer and numerous ensuing infections. It does not necessarily follow that small town community is ready to commit to one another for support.
Yes, this. I live in a small town (well, it's technically a city, but our pop is 40k) and the way I have built that feeling of community is 100% civic engagement. One perk of living in a purple state? All the liberals know each other! And, it's wonderful because unlike other hobbies/activities related to making friends, there is a lot more inter-generational mingling. I mean, I wish there was *more* of it, because we are an old state and we need some new recruits, but it is still really nice to get to speak with people who are coming from very different life stages. I am chair of our municipal Democratic committee and I am really trying to do more outreach to young people with this message, especially young people who just moved here. Like, I know you want community too! I was you 4 years ago! Come join us!
THIS! You nailed it, Emily! I grew up in a small town that no one heard of until 2018 when it burned down and then the orange man visited it and got its name totally wrong. I left the moment I was accepted to university and never looked back. I've moved around the country for my job and look back at how small minded the town was that I grew up in (and still is). During Covid, my kids and I would walk for miles every day because we needed to get outside. It was in doing that, that neighbors started to recognize us and say hello. I held our first Neighborhood Watch meeting in our front yard and we really got to know one another. I've put myself out there to say hello, invite people over and simply chat in order to build a community with my neighbors. I wish for more of this within my kids' school especially but at least I know there is safety, security and a community within my neighborhood. Now, more than ever I think it's important that we show up and show others what community we want to be a part of what that looks like. I love Katie's example of tiny favors that come back to you. I fully believe in that.
As a childfree by choice woman, the best way I’ve made friends as an adult (as most of my existing friends lives changed as they had children and we saw less of each other) was through politics and volunteering for campaigns. Getting involved locally has made me lifelong friendships that I value so much.
I felt this hard. I left my small town with my community of 20+ years a few years ago because complacency will never help you grow. I was bored. I love where I live now but it is tough to build a community in a new place. I've made a few friends and hang out with a few different groups, however it can still feel lonely. I just started Democracy in Retrograde and it's inspireing me to get more involved. Whether that is volunteering more, finding a local political group to get involved with or just really getting to know my neighbors, I'm trying to do my part to be more civically engaged and have a community as good or better than the one I left.
I definitely think so many people are looking for more of this community feeling, but for some reason it seems so hard to build. Perhaps too few people really take on initiating. And not having that community where there is more frequent social interaction decreases us talking as much about the important things as well as the mundane and leads to more distrust and suspicion. For me, I never know has the world changed over time or do I live somewhere that it’s more difficult to have community or is it just me.
I think that the only time I've really had community like this was as part of a spouses group when my (now ex-) husband was stationed on Guam. We were so far away from our homes and our moms etc., that we did bond. We ran errands together, walked our kids to school, volunteered in the community. Looking back, I suspect this is the reason that I have fond memories of an otherwise really rough couple of years. And now that I'm not married to that military man anymore, even if there were reunions, I doubt I'd be invited.
First, I agree with every single word. My husband listens to me talk about my longing for community all the time. ("I hate church but I miss church. Do you know?" He does not.) I wrote my college admissions essay on the Upper West Side of NYC as a small town; it was my own childhood Scarry village, one in which I felt so embedded and so cared for.
Second, you just made me realize that I have *never* seen a neighbor or friend in a #tradwife post. Never. Not one. Just children, the occasional husband, the even-less-frequent mom or sister. That subculture provokes so many reasons for discomfort, but it's the loneliness of each posted performance that really gets to me. (Caveat: Maybe they're not alone. Maybe there's a film crew. What do I know?)
The tradwife mothering content also pushes back on creating a "village" for your kids. Any post about daycare will have comments from the tradwives saying that they don't trust anyone with their kids, that kids need their moms, etc. It's absolutely a forced loneliness and refusal to acknowledge that parenting is HARD and that a community could help make it easier.
I feel this. When I was involved in a church community (small town Texas) I had an instant peer group. Baby showers, meals when someone was sick, playgroups, and somewhere to be with friends of all ages every Sunday, Wednesday, and lots of events in between. Leaving that was hard, especially because I still live here. While I feel an amazing sense of freedom and have a wonderful best friend, I miss that sense of harmony with my community (and my family).
Shannan Martin addreses this really beautifully in her books The Ministry of Ordinary Places and Start wth Hello.
As a person raised Mormon, my people are really great at being a community and taking care of obvious needs, especially for moms with young kids. There are committees that organize meals and rides and babysitting and funerals. Not necessarily great at the quiet need, and very often completely oblivious to the needs in the neighborhoods and wider world around.
Since leaving the church behind with a move it has been hard to build community, but I do think that reaching out to ask for a small favor is often the key. No one has ever turned me down.
This is all true for me. I'm still struggling to find community in Austin and somehow I've been here 16 years. I've gotten a few footholds only to see them crumble and fray, and for the most part there is a very superficial layer to social life here. I think I've given up. I'm not a hopeless type, rather a realist. And the reality has been a huge letdown. I'd love a rich social network of shared ideals and togetherness, but when I look at how long I've lived here, it doesn't seem available somehow. I don't know if this rings true for others, but I often find that people seem to not want to expand their social circles here. I'm glad at least that I'm not the only one who has struggled through this, a time that interestingly, people promised would be so much better than teen or young adult years for friendships.
Austinite here! I think community in Austin was easier when I was younger and fresh out of college. I had a bunch of friends here that I could rely on. But a lot of them slowly disbursed to the suburbs or to jobs in new cities. It's rebuilding a community now that I'm a parent that has proven slightly more difficult, but not impossible! My neighbor is a Democratic organizer who has connected me to some nice folks, and my son's school has some cool parents. We've had to make an effort, but it's starting to pay off.
Becoming a parent made it much harder for sure, though I still felt the connections were pretty superficial and unreliable before that. I didn't move here until a few years out of college. There was a clique ish vibe for a while that turned more into isolation once we became parents. It's kind of an exhausting place, but I'll just have to ride it out.
I just want to affirm that this also rings true for me, as someone who moved to Austin and then moved back home again: I really struggled to build community there.
This is so spot on. Not a Christian, but I cannot tell you how many times I’ve thought about dropping in at a church just so I can tap into some childcare and playgroups for my infant. It’s lonely out here!
America’s hyper obsessiveness about independence and not needing anyone stands firmly in the way. It’s definitely not manly to say you need help! Yet everyone says in church communities it is normal to help each other out. (Do only women ask for and receive help from church friends?) I believe it is women (especially moms) who are yearning for community since we are the ones doing the vast majority of work. If you have kid(s) and a job and do parenting and household work til 9pm every single day, you are going through an 18-year phase of life that desperately needs support. The classic clueless husband doesn’t see the need (and there a lot of them).
I don’t really like people 😬 but I do enjoy knowing my neighbors and am usually chatty and friendly enough, with the help of my dog, to at least know my neighbors and get/give help. In our current neighborhood, our next door neighbors and close friends are trump fans. The first time I saw her paraphernalia (wine glass that said “I’m a trump girl get over it” she’s mid-60s so not a girl) my heart sank. But it’s been a reminder that at the core of things we agree on a lot of stuff in our tourist town and about people and animals, etc. They always help me and feed me and helped me with my dog.
I always yearn for the cozy mystery small town community but maybe this post made me realize I have a little bit of that I didn’t realize.
Well, I'll be the contrarian who states that churches are not always filled with people who are eager and willing to help each other. My husband and I were members of two churches in small towns and surrounded by 50-80+ year olds who were more concerned with their own needs. Not one of them ever visited us when I went through two different bouts of cancer and numerous ensuing infections. It does not necessarily follow that small town community is ready to commit to one another for support.
Yes, this. I live in a small town (well, it's technically a city, but our pop is 40k) and the way I have built that feeling of community is 100% civic engagement. One perk of living in a purple state? All the liberals know each other! And, it's wonderful because unlike other hobbies/activities related to making friends, there is a lot more inter-generational mingling. I mean, I wish there was *more* of it, because we are an old state and we need some new recruits, but it is still really nice to get to speak with people who are coming from very different life stages. I am chair of our municipal Democratic committee and I am really trying to do more outreach to young people with this message, especially young people who just moved here. Like, I know you want community too! I was you 4 years ago! Come join us!
THIS! You nailed it, Emily! I grew up in a small town that no one heard of until 2018 when it burned down and then the orange man visited it and got its name totally wrong. I left the moment I was accepted to university and never looked back. I've moved around the country for my job and look back at how small minded the town was that I grew up in (and still is). During Covid, my kids and I would walk for miles every day because we needed to get outside. It was in doing that, that neighbors started to recognize us and say hello. I held our first Neighborhood Watch meeting in our front yard and we really got to know one another. I've put myself out there to say hello, invite people over and simply chat in order to build a community with my neighbors. I wish for more of this within my kids' school especially but at least I know there is safety, security and a community within my neighborhood. Now, more than ever I think it's important that we show up and show others what community we want to be a part of what that looks like. I love Katie's example of tiny favors that come back to you. I fully believe in that.
As a childfree by choice woman, the best way I’ve made friends as an adult (as most of my existing friends lives changed as they had children and we saw less of each other) was through politics and volunteering for campaigns. Getting involved locally has made me lifelong friendships that I value so much.
I felt this hard. I left my small town with my community of 20+ years a few years ago because complacency will never help you grow. I was bored. I love where I live now but it is tough to build a community in a new place. I've made a few friends and hang out with a few different groups, however it can still feel lonely. I just started Democracy in Retrograde and it's inspireing me to get more involved. Whether that is volunteering more, finding a local political group to get involved with or just really getting to know my neighbors, I'm trying to do my part to be more civically engaged and have a community as good or better than the one I left.
Yes! This is good. I have thought about joining joining a civic organization primarily to build my social circle.
Yes! This is spot on. Community is so important
I definitely think so many people are looking for more of this community feeling, but for some reason it seems so hard to build. Perhaps too few people really take on initiating. And not having that community where there is more frequent social interaction decreases us talking as much about the important things as well as the mundane and leads to more distrust and suspicion. For me, I never know has the world changed over time or do I live somewhere that it’s more difficult to have community or is it just me.
I think that the only time I've really had community like this was as part of a spouses group when my (now ex-) husband was stationed on Guam. We were so far away from our homes and our moms etc., that we did bond. We ran errands together, walked our kids to school, volunteered in the community. Looking back, I suspect this is the reason that I have fond memories of an otherwise really rough couple of years. And now that I'm not married to that military man anymore, even if there were reunions, I doubt I'd be invited.