This is one of my favorite things you’ve ever written. As a pediatrician and a mom, I think about this issue a LOT, and talk with families every day about motherhood. There is so much pressure to do all of it “right” too. This part of your article really resonated: “women don’t want the binary of being a SAHM or a career gal. We want autonomy to live the life we design”. YES. Thanks, as always.
New mom here, and came to say this too! Exactly. And I also highlighted this section-- “It is not that women forgot how to nurture. It is not that we forgot how to love. It is that we looked at the reality they created and realized that love alone would not be enough to survive it. And for that, they blame us. For that, they offer us medals instead of childcare, slogans instead of safety, empty promises instead of real structural change.“ 100%.
All of this is so true! And, as a SAHM of two kids - even with relatively good support from family and good health insurance, there’s no way I want to have more kids. I love being a mom, but mentally and physically going through pregnancy and childbirth and the first year of a newborn again is not something I want for my life. I want to show up for my kids as a person who loves them, has the emotional capacity to support and nurture them, and also has my own hobbies, interests and friendships.
I completely agree with this. Mom of 2 and I don’t think I can have another because of the lack of support postpartum. Mental health, postpartum care, physical recovery, etc. Not to mention, I’m in GA and would be literally scared for my life if something goes wrong (I had a miscarriage before and ER visit, so imagining if that happened again with the current laws is terrifying). It’s just too risky. But I feel judged, and with this rhetoric about “more kids” feel the weight that this choice is selfish. But I’m choosing my health and life over more kids. Can’t provide for my kids if I’m unwell or worse not around../
Don’t let anyone make you feel selfish. You have a right to your choices and your health. Raising 2 kids is a huge commitment that will take your time, energy & love. You know that already . You make the choices that work for you and your family, not for anyone else.
I asked my 17-year-old son about his desire to have kids someday. His answer surprised me because of my three kids, he was the one I was pretty convinced wouldn't want kids at all. He said he wouldn't even entertain it in the current economy, citing costs of housing and childcare as the first things he'd need addressed. At the point those became manageable, he said he would leave it largely to his future wife since she would bear the greater consequences (maternity leave, health, bodily impact). I was kind of shocked he'd put that much thought into it. So, 1. the kids are alright, I guess. And 2. Yes. Thank you. Thank you for finally calling out that there's never been a wrong way to mother. That argument has been fostered and nurtured to divide us for far too long.
Every few weeks, I say to my husband (and my kids), I don't know how other people DO THIS?! My career-mothering doesn't look like the false binary: I make more than 2x my husband and I primarily work from home so most of the structural issues are not a big deal for us, personally. But I look around during the summer and half-days at school or days when I'm taking kids to the doctor and think - how do people with less flexible jobs/no time off manage? My kids were in daycare/preschool part-time and even that was basically my husband's salary.
I think the bronatalists KNOW that the answer to this problem is structural change but that's not the kind of change they want because, like you point out Emily, it takes away THEIR power. They don't want to invest in universal anything-care because they don't value other humans, only their genetic lineage. They don't want to invest in women's health, because they don't value us as individuals, only as potential wives/mothers. Wife dies in childbirth? He can get another. They are so obsessed with making OUR purpose in life about supporting their needs and their genetic legacy that they don't stop to think about what THEIR purpose in life could be beyond proving themselves to other men. And I think this is what separates bronatalists from good fathers/husbands.
Let us not forget all the ways shit can go wrong in pregnancy and birth and the very real medical and financial anxiety that can cause. I had a 28 week preemie that caused almost half a million dollars in medical bills. Because I worked for the federal government and had amazing insurance and parental leave, and Medicaid picks up the bill if your baby’s birth weight is low enough or their stay is long enough, we aren’t financially ruined and legally I was able to take almost 6 months off and keep my job. But when we were told I would get flown from our rural hospital to the MFM hospital hours away our first concern was how much it would cost, not oh shit this is a very big deal.
Was coming to chime in on the medical side of pregnancy. I had 2 emergency c-sections, one was because I had an abruption and was initially sent home from the hospital. We still don't listen to women, even when the stakes are so high. The other thing: babies are beautiful and cuddly and sweet. Kids are HARD. Those bronatalists aren't showing the daily struggles of kids who have strong personalities or are thrill seekers or like to play in the dirt and dig "fish ponds" in your yard or refuse to wear matching clothes.
I am a SAHM largely because my oldest has autism/ADHD but wasn’t diagnosed until he was 12. He struggled in school, services were non-existent without a diagnosis, and I ended up having to homeschool him to try to meet his needs. Luckily, my husband makes enough to support us but we looked at childcare costs for three kids and at a teacher’s salary and realized it would be a wash. So I have been at home acting essentially as an unpaid therapist to my son. I look at the cuts to special education, to Medicaid, to research at the NIH and I realize these systemic issues are not going to get addressed and families like mine will continue to struggle. It’s truly awful.
Totally. I work in education and the added grief of watching the helpers get harassed & funding slashed while we’re drowning out here is just… 💔
Homeschooling is hard! I think some of the fundamentalists give it a bad rap, but it sounds like you did what you could to support your family with your skills. You’re an amazing mom, but I wish you didn’t have to be so amazing and you could just be. 🫶
Well, believe me, I have seen some very concerning dynamics in the homeschool community...it's how I knew anti-vaxx sentiment was on the rise on the right AND the left years ago...but a lot of neurodivergent kiddos homeschool. I really respect and love teachers, I truly do. I wish school could have worked well for my oldest, but he had the kind of autism that people didn't interpret as autism...just as willful disobedience. So school was literally depressing for him and bad for his mental health and self-esteem. So much treatment for autistic kids focuses on their deficits...the stuff they can't do or find hard to do...and I learned that the best approach was through my son's interests and strengths...and the social stuff was so confusing to him, it was better if I could watch the interactions and figure out what he was missing. It's been a long, lonely journey, but he's doing great now. And I wish we funded our schools and our medical system and had treatments/programs/therapies for autistic people that were not focused on "curing" them of autism, but rather helped them thrive in a neurotypical world (no matter their level of autism)...then I think people would be more willing to have children. Because how we treat the most vulnerable in society really matters to everyone's quality of life.
This was an excellent read, thank you. I left my career a couple years ago. As a high-achieving woman, I had gotten far in my career and faced the decision to keep at it and continue doing a ton of business travel, OR quit and figure something else out. I wanted to keep working, I loved my work, I just didn't want such a huge workload (and the pay was nice, but I was willing to take less pay for a little more freedom). I wanted to be home for my kids more nights than not. I wanted to pick my kids up from school, be at their activities, volunteer to help with school fundraisers, I wanted to help them with their homework. If job sharing and fractional work were normalized, this would be HUGE for working parents. So many of us want to work, but too many of us have the binary choice or a high-paying, demanding role, or nothing. That's crazy AND inefficient for our economy.
As a midwife who has been working with families and delivering babies since the 1980s, I could not agree more with this article. The thing is, not everyone being affected realizes this is the big picture. Young families are beating themselves up for not being where their parents were at their age and wondering why it’s so hard. Families with three kids are living in tiny apartments because they can’t afford the down payment on a house even though everybody’s working really hard. The women are struggling emotionally because they don’t have family and community support. Then the unmarried woman are understandably putting on their dating profiles “undecided” about having children because they see how hard it is to have a family - physically, financially, socially.
And if everyone could see through the fog to articulate what they really want, I believe it would be exactly what you said :
“We want systems and policies that support families. We want a culture that sees parenthood - not just motherhood - as integral to society’s success…”
I wrote a whole novel, deleted and rewrote it and ultimately scrapped it as being too much. I frankly think that sums up a lot of my experience of motherhood. I chose to stay home. My husband is very supportive and does far more to help keeps things balanced around the house than I think is typical for SAHMs. However, I frequently hear comments, especially from Boomers, about how I can't complain about how hard it is because I chose this. However, I feel like the true impact of parenthood, especially parenthood in our current society, is something you absolutely cannot understand until you've experienced or witnessed it firsthand. I had no idea I'd have this little support. I had a hugely supportive family growing up and that has not been my experience as the parent, even with family members having the opportunity. The lack of systemic support is huge. I attribute my PPD to lack of support. Parents are expected to be more hands on than ever with fewer resources to make it possible.
“ However, I feel like the true impact of parenthood, especially parenthood in our current society, is something you absolutely cannot understand until you've experienced or witnessed it firsthand”
I’m in a similar situation, although I now have support from my parents, who moved two blocks away right before Covid. But prior to that it was just me and my two toddlers and a husband who is an incredible partner, but also traveled a lot when they were young, leaving me to single parent 50% of the time.
I just remember being pregnant and realizing I had no idea where to find mom friends, where to take kids for preschool/mothers day out, how to do any of it. I was the only friends in my local friend group having a baby (I was in my 30s, not some kid), and it was overwhelming.
And to your comment about boomers, my husband’s boss spent the first four years of his only child’s life in a city 300 miles away, hustling his work. So his wife was a single mom who saw her husband once a month, and took care of the child 24/7, and they don’t understand why people have a hard time with spouses traveling.
THIS!!! "It is not that women forgot how to nurture. It is not that we forgot how to love. It is that we looked at the reality they created and realized that love alone would not be enough to survive it. And for that, they blame us. For that, they offer us medals instead of childcare, slogans instead of safety, empty promises instead of real structural change."
Honestly my critical thinking brain has come up with all the reasons including the above for not having kids. It took me a solid YEAR to agree to even look at adopting a dog (and I still was not prepared but I love them both). And then when I think of the list of people my age who don't have kids, it's kinda long, and each of them chose not to for very different reasons. Personally it came down to age and chances of something going wrong (again my brain is going to find every possible thing that could happen). But for everyone else, you get to choose what you do for your own reasons. All are valid choices and only you know you.
100% “Medals instead of childcare, slogans instead of safety, empty promises instead of real structural change” gave me chills.
I’m childfree (somewhat by choice) but every single mom in my life deserves better. I know Chappell Roan got a lot of flack for saying she didn’t know any happy moms but I see how completely exhausted and burned out every mom in my life is. It’s not their fault, they are amazing moms who love their kids. They just deserve more. And by more I mean childcare, safety, and structural change.
Exactly. It’s not a “moral failing”- it’s math. They subtracted the minuscule support and safety nets, multiplied financial and social costs, and made the equation impossible. Then blamed us for “not studying hard enough”.
My wife and I knew that Trump 2.0 likely closed the door on us having kids forever. We are already fighting to survive, I can’t imagine bringing a child into the constant bigotry and dehumanization we experience. Our community is dramatically less safe for queer families than it was even 6 months ago.
But let’s be clear, they only want the right kind of mom to complete their government-mandated womb service. They don’t want *me* having kids or any family structure that doesn’t advance their agenda (like blended families, moms with careers outside the home, single moms by choice).
You’re 100% right. It’s about power. No mom (working out of the home or otherwise) is my enemy as a childfree queer woman. We’re on the same team. 💜
This also has me thinking about how hard the right swiped at “childless cat ladies” and Harris for not being a “real” mom because of her blended family in the 2024 election.
It’s about the “right” kind of people becoming moms and doing family in a way that siphons the most power from women. Whether they stay home, work, or are childfree.
Working mom of three (7, 4, 1) and this hits home especially this week when we were all sick at some point. It’s so hard not to feel like a personal failure for not being the type of mom I wanted in some regards but the system is set up for me to fail so I try really hard to give myself grace. I feel in my bones the mommy wars are men’s way of pitting us (moms) against ourselves so we don’t organize against them. Sad to me how many (largely white) women take the bait instead of realizing a rising tide lifts all boats and there is so much room for individual choice when you have support. Writing this as I pump and think about the positive advances that have been made and yet how far we have to come. I hold out hope things will be better for my daughters and will do what I can to work towards that goal.
A lot of older white women don't even know they're doing it, but when I was pregnant with my first, I was complaining a bit to my very liberal grandmother about the cost of quality daycares. She told me to stop complaining because I had decided not to quite my job, and I decided to get pregnant.
My dad (her son) called her and pointed out to her that she was a stay at home mom who's family was able to afford to buy their own house, go on vacation each year, and buy new cars when they needed to because my grandpa had a good, union long-haul trucking job.
Those just don't exist anymore. So in order to afford our modest home in a quality school district, our one car, and daycare, I had to continue to work. (Never mind the fact I never wanted to stay home)
I've had comments from elderly family members asking why the kids can't stay at home with me while I work -- or why I don't just quit my job. Our COMBINED salaries cover daycare for our kids and that's what matters. I just hope that we can make things better for the next generations of moms.
I think the race and class elements of the pro-natalism push from this administration are in direct misalignment with these policies, which is kind of interesting. They don't just want more babies - they want more white babies from upper/middle class white people. As someone who falls into that category, none of these incentives would make me go from not wanting or indifferent to having children to wanting to have a child. Actual pronatalist policies like paid maternity leave, affordable and accessible childcare, affordable medical care that covered things like IVF, legally protected flexible work arrangements, a robust social safety net, etc. are the things that would actually convince someone in my position over into the camp of deciding the have a child.
Additionally, if they want all women to be stay at home mothers, they will actually have to pay livable wages to workers, which is of course not on the table either.
I am extremely privileged to have had the option to stay home with my three kids for years (I now work as a freelancer and very much appreciate this flexibility). Why did I become a SAHM? Because when I had my first baby, I worked for an entirely male-led company...at the time in 2008 we had to wear pantyhose even though we were frequently on job sites stepping on precarious plywood walkways, through dirt, etc...they offered ZERO paid days off the entire first year you worked there and also ZERO paid time off for having a baby. Just FMLA. And they judged/questioned—out loud—whenever people had to leave early or take time off for truly any reason. I think my parenting life may have turned out very differently if I had worked for a company that had one single shred of decency in how it treated employees. I never planned to be a SAHM.
Pretty much every day I wonder how full-time working parents without help and flexibility can possibly do this gig. I spent hours yesterday dealing with my sons getting their mandatory physicals for sports. With three kids plus my own care, there's just so much. Dentist, orthodontist, sickness, injuries, well checks, and that is barely the tip of the iceberg. The load is overwhelming.
Excellent article. I have one small quibble. Near the beginning, you say that the struggles women are facing have nothing to do with moral failings. That is not exactly right. Those struggles have nothing to do with struggling women’s moral failings and everything to do with the moral failings of people in power who have set up these God awful systems.
Oh good point. Definitely a moral failing, just not a moral failure by moms/childfree women trying to make it in a system increasingly stacked against us.
This is one of my favorite things you’ve ever written. As a pediatrician and a mom, I think about this issue a LOT, and talk with families every day about motherhood. There is so much pressure to do all of it “right” too. This part of your article really resonated: “women don’t want the binary of being a SAHM or a career gal. We want autonomy to live the life we design”. YES. Thanks, as always.
New mom here, and came to say this too! Exactly. And I also highlighted this section-- “It is not that women forgot how to nurture. It is not that we forgot how to love. It is that we looked at the reality they created and realized that love alone would not be enough to survive it. And for that, they blame us. For that, they offer us medals instead of childcare, slogans instead of safety, empty promises instead of real structural change.“ 100%.
All of this is so true! And, as a SAHM of two kids - even with relatively good support from family and good health insurance, there’s no way I want to have more kids. I love being a mom, but mentally and physically going through pregnancy and childbirth and the first year of a newborn again is not something I want for my life. I want to show up for my kids as a person who loves them, has the emotional capacity to support and nurture them, and also has my own hobbies, interests and friendships.
I completely agree with this. Mom of 2 and I don’t think I can have another because of the lack of support postpartum. Mental health, postpartum care, physical recovery, etc. Not to mention, I’m in GA and would be literally scared for my life if something goes wrong (I had a miscarriage before and ER visit, so imagining if that happened again with the current laws is terrifying). It’s just too risky. But I feel judged, and with this rhetoric about “more kids” feel the weight that this choice is selfish. But I’m choosing my health and life over more kids. Can’t provide for my kids if I’m unwell or worse not around../
Don’t let anyone make you feel selfish. You have a right to your choices and your health. Raising 2 kids is a huge commitment that will take your time, energy & love. You know that already . You make the choices that work for you and your family, not for anyone else.
I also stopped at 2 because my mental health and postpartum experiences were so rough, I couldn't go through another.
thanks for saying this. you expressed my exact reasons for our family size. 🩷
I asked my 17-year-old son about his desire to have kids someday. His answer surprised me because of my three kids, he was the one I was pretty convinced wouldn't want kids at all. He said he wouldn't even entertain it in the current economy, citing costs of housing and childcare as the first things he'd need addressed. At the point those became manageable, he said he would leave it largely to his future wife since she would bear the greater consequences (maternity leave, health, bodily impact). I was kind of shocked he'd put that much thought into it. So, 1. the kids are alright, I guess. And 2. Yes. Thank you. Thank you for finally calling out that there's never been a wrong way to mother. That argument has been fostered and nurtured to divide us for far too long.
This is a very thoughtful answer from a young man!!
Every few weeks, I say to my husband (and my kids), I don't know how other people DO THIS?! My career-mothering doesn't look like the false binary: I make more than 2x my husband and I primarily work from home so most of the structural issues are not a big deal for us, personally. But I look around during the summer and half-days at school or days when I'm taking kids to the doctor and think - how do people with less flexible jobs/no time off manage? My kids were in daycare/preschool part-time and even that was basically my husband's salary.
I think the bronatalists KNOW that the answer to this problem is structural change but that's not the kind of change they want because, like you point out Emily, it takes away THEIR power. They don't want to invest in universal anything-care because they don't value other humans, only their genetic lineage. They don't want to invest in women's health, because they don't value us as individuals, only as potential wives/mothers. Wife dies in childbirth? He can get another. They are so obsessed with making OUR purpose in life about supporting their needs and their genetic legacy that they don't stop to think about what THEIR purpose in life could be beyond proving themselves to other men. And I think this is what separates bronatalists from good fathers/husbands.
Let us not forget all the ways shit can go wrong in pregnancy and birth and the very real medical and financial anxiety that can cause. I had a 28 week preemie that caused almost half a million dollars in medical bills. Because I worked for the federal government and had amazing insurance and parental leave, and Medicaid picks up the bill if your baby’s birth weight is low enough or their stay is long enough, we aren’t financially ruined and legally I was able to take almost 6 months off and keep my job. But when we were told I would get flown from our rural hospital to the MFM hospital hours away our first concern was how much it would cost, not oh shit this is a very big deal.
Was coming to chime in on the medical side of pregnancy. I had 2 emergency c-sections, one was because I had an abruption and was initially sent home from the hospital. We still don't listen to women, even when the stakes are so high. The other thing: babies are beautiful and cuddly and sweet. Kids are HARD. Those bronatalists aren't showing the daily struggles of kids who have strong personalities or are thrill seekers or like to play in the dirt and dig "fish ponds" in your yard or refuse to wear matching clothes.
I am a SAHM largely because my oldest has autism/ADHD but wasn’t diagnosed until he was 12. He struggled in school, services were non-existent without a diagnosis, and I ended up having to homeschool him to try to meet his needs. Luckily, my husband makes enough to support us but we looked at childcare costs for three kids and at a teacher’s salary and realized it would be a wash. So I have been at home acting essentially as an unpaid therapist to my son. I look at the cuts to special education, to Medicaid, to research at the NIH and I realize these systemic issues are not going to get addressed and families like mine will continue to struggle. It’s truly awful.
Totally. I work in education and the added grief of watching the helpers get harassed & funding slashed while we’re drowning out here is just… 💔
Homeschooling is hard! I think some of the fundamentalists give it a bad rap, but it sounds like you did what you could to support your family with your skills. You’re an amazing mom, but I wish you didn’t have to be so amazing and you could just be. 🫶
Well, believe me, I have seen some very concerning dynamics in the homeschool community...it's how I knew anti-vaxx sentiment was on the rise on the right AND the left years ago...but a lot of neurodivergent kiddos homeschool. I really respect and love teachers, I truly do. I wish school could have worked well for my oldest, but he had the kind of autism that people didn't interpret as autism...just as willful disobedience. So school was literally depressing for him and bad for his mental health and self-esteem. So much treatment for autistic kids focuses on their deficits...the stuff they can't do or find hard to do...and I learned that the best approach was through my son's interests and strengths...and the social stuff was so confusing to him, it was better if I could watch the interactions and figure out what he was missing. It's been a long, lonely journey, but he's doing great now. And I wish we funded our schools and our medical system and had treatments/programs/therapies for autistic people that were not focused on "curing" them of autism, but rather helped them thrive in a neurotypical world (no matter their level of autism)...then I think people would be more willing to have children. Because how we treat the most vulnerable in society really matters to everyone's quality of life.
This was an excellent read, thank you. I left my career a couple years ago. As a high-achieving woman, I had gotten far in my career and faced the decision to keep at it and continue doing a ton of business travel, OR quit and figure something else out. I wanted to keep working, I loved my work, I just didn't want such a huge workload (and the pay was nice, but I was willing to take less pay for a little more freedom). I wanted to be home for my kids more nights than not. I wanted to pick my kids up from school, be at their activities, volunteer to help with school fundraisers, I wanted to help them with their homework. If job sharing and fractional work were normalized, this would be HUGE for working parents. So many of us want to work, but too many of us have the binary choice or a high-paying, demanding role, or nothing. That's crazy AND inefficient for our economy.
10000%. Work shares or the fractional thing you mentioned would be a god send. Or, accepting and respecting 20-30 hour work weeks.
As a midwife who has been working with families and delivering babies since the 1980s, I could not agree more with this article. The thing is, not everyone being affected realizes this is the big picture. Young families are beating themselves up for not being where their parents were at their age and wondering why it’s so hard. Families with three kids are living in tiny apartments because they can’t afford the down payment on a house even though everybody’s working really hard. The women are struggling emotionally because they don’t have family and community support. Then the unmarried woman are understandably putting on their dating profiles “undecided” about having children because they see how hard it is to have a family - physically, financially, socially.
And if everyone could see through the fog to articulate what they really want, I believe it would be exactly what you said :
“We want systems and policies that support families. We want a culture that sees parenthood - not just motherhood - as integral to society’s success…”
I wrote a whole novel, deleted and rewrote it and ultimately scrapped it as being too much. I frankly think that sums up a lot of my experience of motherhood. I chose to stay home. My husband is very supportive and does far more to help keeps things balanced around the house than I think is typical for SAHMs. However, I frequently hear comments, especially from Boomers, about how I can't complain about how hard it is because I chose this. However, I feel like the true impact of parenthood, especially parenthood in our current society, is something you absolutely cannot understand until you've experienced or witnessed it firsthand. I had no idea I'd have this little support. I had a hugely supportive family growing up and that has not been my experience as the parent, even with family members having the opportunity. The lack of systemic support is huge. I attribute my PPD to lack of support. Parents are expected to be more hands on than ever with fewer resources to make it possible.
“I had no idea I’d have this little support.” Succinct. Haunting. The exact f*ucking point. If we are drowning, we can’t claim power in society.
“ However, I feel like the true impact of parenthood, especially parenthood in our current society, is something you absolutely cannot understand until you've experienced or witnessed it firsthand”
This is so true and so overlooked.
I’m in a similar situation, although I now have support from my parents, who moved two blocks away right before Covid. But prior to that it was just me and my two toddlers and a husband who is an incredible partner, but also traveled a lot when they were young, leaving me to single parent 50% of the time.
I just remember being pregnant and realizing I had no idea where to find mom friends, where to take kids for preschool/mothers day out, how to do any of it. I was the only friends in my local friend group having a baby (I was in my 30s, not some kid), and it was overwhelming.
And to your comment about boomers, my husband’s boss spent the first four years of his only child’s life in a city 300 miles away, hustling his work. So his wife was a single mom who saw her husband once a month, and took care of the child 24/7, and they don’t understand why people have a hard time with spouses traveling.
THIS!!! "It is not that women forgot how to nurture. It is not that we forgot how to love. It is that we looked at the reality they created and realized that love alone would not be enough to survive it. And for that, they blame us. For that, they offer us medals instead of childcare, slogans instead of safety, empty promises instead of real structural change."
Honestly my critical thinking brain has come up with all the reasons including the above for not having kids. It took me a solid YEAR to agree to even look at adopting a dog (and I still was not prepared but I love them both). And then when I think of the list of people my age who don't have kids, it's kinda long, and each of them chose not to for very different reasons. Personally it came down to age and chances of something going wrong (again my brain is going to find every possible thing that could happen). But for everyone else, you get to choose what you do for your own reasons. All are valid choices and only you know you.
100% “Medals instead of childcare, slogans instead of safety, empty promises instead of real structural change” gave me chills.
I’m childfree (somewhat by choice) but every single mom in my life deserves better. I know Chappell Roan got a lot of flack for saying she didn’t know any happy moms but I see how completely exhausted and burned out every mom in my life is. It’s not their fault, they are amazing moms who love their kids. They just deserve more. And by more I mean childcare, safety, and structural change.
I often say to my husband that I could not imagine raising kids today, but I am happy to support anyone who is because it's tough out there.
This is an excellent recap of why we are where we are and why it is once again really about power and keeping it away from women.
Exactly. It’s not a “moral failing”- it’s math. They subtracted the minuscule support and safety nets, multiplied financial and social costs, and made the equation impossible. Then blamed us for “not studying hard enough”.
My wife and I knew that Trump 2.0 likely closed the door on us having kids forever. We are already fighting to survive, I can’t imagine bringing a child into the constant bigotry and dehumanization we experience. Our community is dramatically less safe for queer families than it was even 6 months ago.
But let’s be clear, they only want the right kind of mom to complete their government-mandated womb service. They don’t want *me* having kids or any family structure that doesn’t advance their agenda (like blended families, moms with careers outside the home, single moms by choice).
You’re 100% right. It’s about power. No mom (working out of the home or otherwise) is my enemy as a childfree queer woman. We’re on the same team. 💜
This also has me thinking about how hard the right swiped at “childless cat ladies” and Harris for not being a “real” mom because of her blended family in the 2024 election.
It’s about the “right” kind of people becoming moms and doing family in a way that siphons the most power from women. Whether they stay home, work, or are childfree.
Working mom of three (7, 4, 1) and this hits home especially this week when we were all sick at some point. It’s so hard not to feel like a personal failure for not being the type of mom I wanted in some regards but the system is set up for me to fail so I try really hard to give myself grace. I feel in my bones the mommy wars are men’s way of pitting us (moms) against ourselves so we don’t organize against them. Sad to me how many (largely white) women take the bait instead of realizing a rising tide lifts all boats and there is so much room for individual choice when you have support. Writing this as I pump and think about the positive advances that have been made and yet how far we have to come. I hold out hope things will be better for my daughters and will do what I can to work towards that goal.
A lot of older white women don't even know they're doing it, but when I was pregnant with my first, I was complaining a bit to my very liberal grandmother about the cost of quality daycares. She told me to stop complaining because I had decided not to quite my job, and I decided to get pregnant.
My dad (her son) called her and pointed out to her that she was a stay at home mom who's family was able to afford to buy their own house, go on vacation each year, and buy new cars when they needed to because my grandpa had a good, union long-haul trucking job.
Those just don't exist anymore. So in order to afford our modest home in a quality school district, our one car, and daycare, I had to continue to work. (Never mind the fact I never wanted to stay home)
I've had comments from elderly family members asking why the kids can't stay at home with me while I work -- or why I don't just quit my job. Our COMBINED salaries cover daycare for our kids and that's what matters. I just hope that we can make things better for the next generations of moms.
I think the race and class elements of the pro-natalism push from this administration are in direct misalignment with these policies, which is kind of interesting. They don't just want more babies - they want more white babies from upper/middle class white people. As someone who falls into that category, none of these incentives would make me go from not wanting or indifferent to having children to wanting to have a child. Actual pronatalist policies like paid maternity leave, affordable and accessible childcare, affordable medical care that covered things like IVF, legally protected flexible work arrangements, a robust social safety net, etc. are the things that would actually convince someone in my position over into the camp of deciding the have a child.
Additionally, if they want all women to be stay at home mothers, they will actually have to pay livable wages to workers, which is of course not on the table either.
I am extremely privileged to have had the option to stay home with my three kids for years (I now work as a freelancer and very much appreciate this flexibility). Why did I become a SAHM? Because when I had my first baby, I worked for an entirely male-led company...at the time in 2008 we had to wear pantyhose even though we were frequently on job sites stepping on precarious plywood walkways, through dirt, etc...they offered ZERO paid days off the entire first year you worked there and also ZERO paid time off for having a baby. Just FMLA. And they judged/questioned—out loud—whenever people had to leave early or take time off for truly any reason. I think my parenting life may have turned out very differently if I had worked for a company that had one single shred of decency in how it treated employees. I never planned to be a SAHM.
Pretty much every day I wonder how full-time working parents without help and flexibility can possibly do this gig. I spent hours yesterday dealing with my sons getting their mandatory physicals for sports. With three kids plus my own care, there's just so much. Dentist, orthodontist, sickness, injuries, well checks, and that is barely the tip of the iceberg. The load is overwhelming.
Excellent article. I have one small quibble. Near the beginning, you say that the struggles women are facing have nothing to do with moral failings. That is not exactly right. Those struggles have nothing to do with struggling women’s moral failings and everything to do with the moral failings of people in power who have set up these God awful systems.
Oh good point. Definitely a moral failing, just not a moral failure by moms/childfree women trying to make it in a system increasingly stacked against us.