My Favorite Advice for Living a Good Life

The truths I’ve learned, the rules I’ve broken, and the work I’m doing to shape a life I actually want to live (Plus, the one thing I want for my birthday)

For the next week I’m doing a very special series on the EYP Substack in honor of my 40th birthday. These will be posts with my advice on what living a good life is and isn’t, what makes me really fucking angry, and thoughts on how I’m actively working on shaping my life to be a life I enjoy living.

CALL TO SUBSCRIBE

A lot of people have been asking me what I want for my birthday. The truth is that I want this. I want to keep doing this work to inspire people to action. So the best gift anyone can give me is to become a paid subscriber to this substack, to gift it to a friend or to share it with someone you think will love it.

While I'm still figuring plenty of things out (aren't we all?), there are some truths that have crystallized over these decades. Here's what I wish I could tell my younger self:

1. The Worst They Can Say Is No

I’ve always been acutely aware of the rules, and for much of my life I hewed to them closely. I would convince myself out of applying for jobs because I didn’t fit the list of qualifications, I wouldn’t ask people for help because they’d said no before.

When I started working closely with men, I learned the power of asking for what I wanted and not being emotionally invested in the answer.

These were men who had spent their whole lives believing they were entitled to everything they ever wanted and hoped for, and acted like it. I learned to emulate the good parts of that confidence. The insane thing is that it worked.

What I realized is that sometimes people actually want to help. When you ask for what you want you just might get it. You might get the dream job, that wild collaboration idea, the book deal. The momentary sting of a "no" fades quickly, but the regret of never asking can linger for years. Plus, I've found that even rejections often come with unexpected doors opening—conversations started, connections made, lessons learned.

Someone once taught me the 10-3-1 method. For every ten things you ask for, you get three responses and 1 yes. This changed how I think about everything. A no isn’t a setback, it’s one step closer to getting to your yes.

2. If You Don't Like the Road You're Walking, Start Paving Another One

So many people are shocked to learn that I quit a career as a successful practicing lawyer to become a social media influencer. The sunk costs were high, I have three (so many!) graduate degrees. I have five bar admissions. I have years of practice under my belt.

But I didn’t feel satisfied. I didn’t feel like I was fulfilling my purpose.

We often feel locked into paths we chose years ago—careers, relationships, the cities we live in—as if previous decisions are permanent contracts with ourselves. They're not. Starting over can be hard, yes. But staying on a path that's not what you want to be doing? That's harder. The best time to change direction was yesterday. The second best time is now.

3. Other People Are Busy Thinking About Themselves, NOT YOU

Remember that embarrassing thing you said in that meeting three weeks ago? No one else does. That zit on your face? Not important. Everyone is deeply wrapped up in starring as the main character in their own movie. They aren’t giving you more than a passing thought. This isn't cynical—it's liberating. Most people are so busy spending time obsessing over themselves that they don’t have an ounce of time to care about you. And the ones who do are usually projecting their own fears, worries and insecurities. Understanding this has given me the freedom to take more risks, speak up more often, and worry less about performing my life for others instead of for myself.

4. The Power of Showing Up

Everything meaningful—growth, change, connection—starts with showing up. For yourself. For the people you care about. For the life you want to build.

You don’t actually have to know where you are heading, or have the perfect plan or even believe that you will be able to get there, you just need to do the work. It’s the small, consistent actions—getting out of bed when it’s hard, making the call you’ve been avoiding, showing up for a friend when you’re tired—that move the needle. Change doesn’t happen because we wait for the right moment or feel ready. It happens because we choose to show up, even when it’s messy or inconvenient. It’s in the doing, in the trying, in the being there that things begin to shift.

Want to be a writer? Write regularly. Want to have strong relationships? Consistently show up for people. Want to be healthy? Make healthy choices daily. Want to be relaxed? Chill on your couch. Your life is shaped not by your one-time actions but by your habits—the small choices you make over and over.

Choose your habits carefully; they're designing your life. I want more socializing in my life, so I’m showing up when asked. I want less stress in my life, I’m not showing up for another litigation job. I want to grow my social media, so I’ve posted every day for 6 years.

5. Success Is Reached by a Series of Failures

Every significant achievement in my life has been preceded by a string of failures. Everything will not always work out, at least not the way we expect it to. I've found it really helpful to remember that the act of failing is the result of trying. If you get monumentally discouraged by one failure, you’ll never be able to move on to the effort that will actually succeed. Emotional resilience can take many forms, for me it’s about caring less and moving on.

All of my relationship “mistakes” have taught me to be a better friend. My career “failures” have taught me how to have a job I can thrive at that I love.

The trick isn't avoiding failure—it's learning to fail better, fail faster, and keep going.

6. Most Rules Are Made-Up

The "right" career timeline? Made up. The "appropriate" life milestones? Made up. The "correct" way to structure your day, your relationships, your work? Mostly made up. Once you realize how many of society's "shoulds" are actually arbitrary constructs, you can start designing a life that actually works for you. Some of my happiest friends are the ones who've most thoroughly rejected conventional wisdom about how life "should" look.

7. Learn the Power of Saying No

You can just say no to things. You don’t even need a reason! Every "yes" is a "no" to something else. Your time and energy are finite resources. My thirties taught me that sometimes saying no to good things makes room for great things. Sometimes you need space to figure stuff out. Sometimes you don’t want to deal with a specific person. Sometimes you know that a job or a group or an activity just isn’t right for you. That committee that doesn't light you up? That social obligation that drains you? That date that feels like a dud before you even put on your lip gloss? Just say no. Every no makes room for something else.

8. Your Gut Is Telling You Something

I really trust my gut. This was not always the case, but I think it’s something that came from years of not trusting it. These days I don’t question it, I don’t ask for an explanation, I just believe my gut knows what is best for me. If I’m seriously procrastinating on something, to me that’s a sign that somethings not right. If I walk into a social situation where the vibes are bad? I turn myself around. That subtle unease you feel … listen to it. I've never regretted following my intuition. Your body often knows what your mind hasn't processed yet. Those "inexplicable" feelings about people, situations, or decisions are usually your subconscious processing patterns you're not consciously aware of.

9. Your Life Is Happening While You're Living It

There is no dress rehearsal. No "someday" when everything will magically fall into place. This is it—the messy, imperfect, beautiful present. Stop waiting to be thinner, more successful, or more "together" to enjoy your life. Stop postponing joy, connection, or adventure for some future version of yourself. Your life is happening right now in all its messy glory.

10. Most of Your Choices Won’t Harm Anyone Else

Life is too short to tiptoe around your own happiness because you’re worried about what other people might think or how they might feel. Wear the outfit that makes you feel like a million bucks, even if it’s a little odd. Go on that hike, even if you only make it a quarter of the way. Dance like a fool at the wedding, even if you have zero rhythm. If your choices don’t harm anyone—physically, emotionally, or otherwise—then they’re yours to make.

Maybe dressing in only lime green harms you because of people’s response - in that case weigh if it’s worth it. But if it is worth it, do it. Choose to couch rot, live boldly, get deeply obsessed with tamagotchis or yellow crayons, because at the end of the day, it’s your life. And the only person who needs to be happy with how you’re living is you.

Looking back, what strikes me most is how these lessons seem obvious now but were so hard-won in the moment. Maybe that's what wisdom is—the slow accumulation of truths that feel like common sense only after you've lived them. Here's to the next decade of learning, growing, and hopefully figuring out a few more things along the way.

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Tell me all of yours. What do you wish you could tell the younger you?

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