Things We Should Ban Instead of TikTok

My goal is always to not just inform, but help you find your place in the action. I’m running a special Inauguration Week sale right now, subscriptions are only $2.50 a month with an annual subscription of $30. Your support makes this work possible.

---

It’s official. TikTok has gone dark. If you go to the website you will see this message:

The shout out to Trump is something else.

This whole thing started in 2020 when Trump issued an Executive Order to ban TikTok, saying he wanted Microsoft or another “very, very American” company to buy it, though that EO was overturned by federal courts. During the Biden Administration, dozens of states and the federal government banned TikTok on government devices over national security concerns. Then in 2024 the bill that goes into effect today went from introduction to passage in 8 weeks.

Functionally it’s not clear what lies ahead. There’s a lot more to the contours of this negotiation than what exists in black letter law. For example, the Biden Administration has said they would not be enforcing against the ban, TikTok said the assurance wasn’t sufficient, etc etc and so they went dark. This is a highly calculated move, one can see how enacting the blackout is better leverage for TikTok. Trump has said he would “most likely” give the company a 90-day extension once he takes office. The congressionally passed legislation says that the President can do so only if there is “evidence of significant progress” toward a sale and “binding legal agreements” - do those exist? Doubtful. Senate Intelligence Committee Chair Tom Cotton has said there is no basis for an extension. Does it matter if they exist if TikTok trusts that there will be no enforcement? Who trusts who? Will Meta come out via lawsuit antagonizing TikTok to try to enforce the ban? Would they even have a legal leg to stand on?

The only thing I know for sure is that a lot of lawyers are reaching their hours for these cases and making a ton of money.

The bigger picture here is that we have a massive privacy problem in this country with our tech overlords, and the incoming broligarchy will only make matters worse. Congress taking 8 weeks to pass a ban without addressing the litany of other issues related to massive tech companies controlling our information ecosystem just underscores this point.

In times of hardship, we can lean on our family, we can lean on facts, on a bubble bath, on sweatpants jeans and we can lean on humor.

I can’t replace your beloved FYP but I hope you get a few hits of dopamine from my list of things I’d rather see banned than TikTok. Please post yours in the comments!

Small dessert portions (A sliver of cake is not “decadent.” Give me the whole fucking piece.)

Gender reveal parties (Especially the kind that start wildfires, just tell us the baby’s zodiac sign and move on.)

Asking me when I’m gonna have a baby (I don’t know, when are you going to stop asking invasive questions?)

Assault weapons (And frankly, do a lot more than that to end gun violence.)

Guys who say they’re “just brutally honest” (No, you’re just rude.)

Political fundraising texts (If I had a dime for every text … I use Oath to donate because they don’t give my info to people who sell it, and my friend Tim is running for DNC finance chair and part of his platform is getting rid of them)

The phrase “Let’s circle back” (You mean let’s procrastinate with flair?)

Workplaces with “unlimited PTO” that you can’t actually use (Bold of you to lie to my face.)

People who don’t return shopping carts (Chaos agents in their natural habitat.)

Bras with wires (As if life isn’t uncomfortable enough. IYKYK I am OBSESSED with THIS BRA.)

Super bright LED headlights (Blinding me like I owe you money.)

Unnecessarily complex packaging (I’m not defusing a bomb, I just want my lip balm.)

Thumbs-up emojis (Passive-aggression in pixel form.)

Automated phone systems that never understand you (I don’t want screaming “REPRESENTATIVE!” to be a personality trait.)

Manspreading on public transportation (Sir, this is not your personal throne.)

Captchas that are impossible to solve (Is that a crosswalk or just vibes?)

Fake productivity content (No, waking up at 4 a.m. won’t cure burnout.)

Corporate jargon like “synergy” (Can we circle back to banning this nonsense?)

People who don’t wear headphones in shared spaces (No one wants to hear your fight with your mother.)

Conspiracy theory spreaders (Keep your tin foil hats to yourself.)

People who leave empty ice trays in the freezer (Why do you hate my iced coffee?)

Retail stores playing Christmas music in October (Mariah Carey is defrosting way too early.)

Restaurant menus without prices (What’s the baseline here, second mortgage or affordable splurge?)

Politicians who say “thoughts and prayers” instead of doing literally anything useful (Do less.)

The filibuster (The Senate’s favorite excuse for getting nothing done.)

Elected officials who don’t know how the Internet works but want to regulate it (Please, just learn how to attach a PDF first.)

Voter suppression disguised as “election integrity” (We see you, and it’s not subtle.)

The phrase “trickle-down economics” (It never trickled.)

Corporate donations disguised as “free speech” (Nothing says democracy like buying a law.)

Supreme Court justices who think precedent is optional (Why follow your own rules when you can stack the court?)

Giant tax breaks for billionaires who complain about socialism (that’s the tweet.)

“Pro-life” policies that end at birth (Because babies magically raise themselves?)

Calling Social Security an “entitlement” (We paid into it, thanks.)

Crypto “influencers” giving financial advice with zero credentials (No, I will not invest in your pixelated monkeys)

“Family values” as a cover for hate (We see you.)

The “are you still watching?” Netflix message (Yes, let me spiral in peace.)

*all links are affiliate